Somebody slap me please!

It just dawned on me this evening that we are just weeks away from having another child brought into our world. Gulp! I'm not physically, mentally or emotionally prepared for this. I'm scared - wait that's an emotion right?

I don't know what it is! These past eight months have flown by! I've been so busy with everything else that I really haven't put much thought into baby sister. Work, work, other activities and Lukas have all kept my mind busy and elsewhere.

I haven't thought about her name, other than consistently joking about calling her Shaniqua. Sadly the name has began to grow on me. Lis has just gone to naming her Lia and I'm not sure if I'm prepared for that yet. Mostly because I haven't taken five minutes out of my schedule to think about what I want to name our daughter.

She kicks and turns in Lis' stomach. I'll set my hand on it, then turn and go back to whatever I was doing, or falling asleep if we're lying in bed. Not like when Lukas was in the womb and I laid my head on her belly reading to him or talking to him. It's just not the same experience. It bothers me. It worries me.

Sorry, just got distracted because Lukas got out of bed again. He went to bed at 8:30pm and is now getting up again at 9:30pm. Yes, it's a nightly thing. Yes, it takes a toll on us.

Let's see...a month remains until Baby Sister arrives and I'm not ready! I look ahead...busy this week. I look back, my calendar is full of things. We had one day where we had nothing planned, then we filled it with things to do. I'm scared that when Baby Sister arrives I won't be able to make time for her. I've become one of those people I never wanted to become. Someone that can't get away from work even though I don't like working...or maybe I secretly do! Yuck, that scares me too!

I don't know what to do. I lay in bed next to Lis and think I should talk to Baby Sister. But then I tell myself it's 11pm and I need to go to bed, or I just end up thinking about it and that leads me to sleep. I have a problem. If I lay down for long enough I'll fall asleep.

It's now 9:44pm and Lukas is back up. This time buying time by just talking about night-lights and stickers for his room.

And you all wonder why I blog once a blue moon! 

Since I blogged about last night's work I thought I would run you through a typical Friday here at the insurance office.

9:15am - I come in late to work. Since I worked late last night it was a little hard for me to get up and go to work this morning. Plus (sympathy vote please...) I saw Lukas for three minutes yesterday so I thought I would spend at least four minutes visiting with him this morning. All of our visiting takes place while I get dressed but still I wasn't rushing to get to work. Oh and I was stopped by a train on my into work.

I get to work and there is the usual messages on my desk. People refuse ... client. Took a payment, not a big deal. Anyway, people refuse to try and assist people that ask for me. So the files continue to build up and build up. I'm sorry I should be working not writing but it frustrates me and this helps.

My co-worker's client is coming in today. She's frustrated and will probably need my help about five times, despite the fact she's worked here for close to four months now and has been in the industry for years.

The boss lady calls in. "Have you called (her daughter-in-law)?"

"Not yet," I respond looking at the files on my desk.

"Okay, you should call her she's starting to wonder about our customer service," she says. That's fine. I can't find anything that beats what she's got and I know my customer service is fine. I've had four other clients that need quotes the day before they come in and I've had to call all them back too. Sometimes I wonder about our customer service as I'm the only one that services anybody. Oh and I like how her kids, grandkids, stepkids, whatever call and tell on us. Oh and I could've told her how I was the only one staffed yesterday (our life and health guy doesn't count).

Oh and I get an email from the accounting person in the other office. She sent out a package last Friday and I haven't gotten it. More pressure, more work...now I have to find payments we made for commercial policies and fax it to her. I feel like walking away.

Let's tally the phone calls for me and everyone else, shall we?

As of 10:11am:

Kevin 5, Linda 1, Mike 0

Let's also tally the time Linda talks on her cell phone with either her husband or one of her daughters:

Linda 0...this number should go up rapidly as her girls get up and ready for the day.

As of 10:20am: Kevin's phone calls go up to 7, Linda 1, Mike 0. Another task, another callback to make.

Mike meanwhile is on the edge of a mental breakdown. He's got a lot of personal issues going on that is affecting his work and his health.

11:06am - Nice! Mike just farted out loud in the office. "Excuse me...guess I need to get out in the field eh?" Told you the pressure is getting to him, he can't even hold it in anymore.

As of high noon: Kevin 11, Linda 4, Mike 0

Time to eat lunch! 

One of my favorite things to do for the Herald is to cover an Everett AquaSox game.

The AquaSox are the Single-A affiliate of the Seattle Mariners. I'm the second string reporter for the Sox. Since our usual Sox reporter is unavailable (covering the Everett Silvertips, our Western Hockey League team that has turned Everett into a hockey town) I got the call to cover the Sox for the next two nights.

Why do I enjoy covering the AquaSox? What's not to like about watching baseball in a semi-nice press box!

So I thought I would blog as the game goes on...let's start with...

7:45pm - My favorite part of the night. The free food order. I'll be getting a chicken salad, chicken sandwich and my favorite the Nestle Toll House cookie ice cream. Yes!

7:53pm - A fan makes an outstanding catch on a foul ball. With his baby in his right hand and his glove in his left the fan stands up in his seat, times the ball just right and makes the catch. After a loud applause and attention the baby cries. The dad continues to smile.

Edgar Martinez is in the house. Edgar is a Mariners great who could become the first Mariner and first designated hitter inducted into the baseball Hall of Fame. My vote - if I had one - he's a borderline Hall of Famer, probably will be voted in by the veterans committee. When he walked to throw out the first pitch the crowd gave him a standing ovation while the PA announcer played Edgar's famous double down the left field line that scored Ken Griffey Jr. from first base in the 1995 ALDS versus the Yankees. The hit clinched the Mariners first American League Championship series berth and still gives me goose bumps when I hear Dave Niehaus's call. I wanted to get an autograph something for my buddy Ian. Ian has a man-crush on Edgar (though he won't ever admit it).

8:08pm - Food arrives!

8:36pm - Scarfed down my food in 20 minutes. What have you missed? Salem-Keizer put its second run on the board and takes a 2-0 lead. Everett is currently battling back scoring three runs and taking a 3-2 lead. There is a pitching change going on after Tyson Gillies doubles off the left field wall driving home two runs. Everett scored four runs in the inning. They lead 4-2.

8:59pm - Everett gets another run on Travis Howell's home run to right. Howell tripled in his first at-bat, singled in his next and is now a double away from the cycle (single-double-triple-home run). Can he do it?

9:26pm - Salem-Keizer has cut the lead to 5-4. The reason? Because I've basically have my story idea and have started writing my story. Never fails! Here's hoping the Sox continue with the lead.

9:40pm - Phew! Eddy Fernandez struck out the second out of the inning. Bases are still loaded after reliever Javier Hernandez got the Sox in trouble by a ... crap! Loberg doubles to right driving in two runs. Volcanoes lead 6-5.

10:22pm - Game over. Sox lose 6-5. Crap! Now I have to interview a frustrated coach.

10:45pm - Done with my story. Not bad interview. Sometimes I wish I covered the team on a regular basis as I would have more information and background on the players rather than the bits and pieces I pick up from reading the morning paper. I'm going home. 

I've written 15 posts this year! Fifteen! In eight months! That has to have been an all-time low for a year. That's sad. It's disappointing. I love to write. I love to just let my fingers relay what's on my brain. It makes me feel good. I looked back at how things were a year ago. Much lighter times. I seemed happy. I was having fun.

I write today because I'm sad. I miss those times. I miss being able to journal on a regular basis. Life has caught up with and passed me. My free time has disappeared and when it is here it's usually spent doing something.

Work has consumed me. I stress about it at the office, I stress about it after I leave. I worry about it on the weekends. It's consumed my energy. So much so that I can't remember to email my sister-in-law on her birthday. I don't feel like calling my parents to wish them a happy anniversary. I forget to get a card for my co-worker for her birthday. This was not me. This has become me.

I write because last night I was bad. I let Lukas' consistent crying/whining get the best of me. I got upset with him, yelled and made his crying even worse (he likes to get Dad pissed). The tension inside of me built up so much that I clinched my fist, hit myself and thought about leaving. I heard Lis getting upset with him and knowing it was because of what I did I went into the other room and got even more upset. I felt embarrassed. I felt stupid. I felt like they would never forgive me and perhaps Lis won't.

I tried to think about what caused the problem. What set me off? Everything came back to work and money. On the way home, during Lukas' 15 minutes of crying, I could only think about how so much of my time is consumed with work and how I dislike it (I never come to work happy). I thought about how we have $2 in our bank account and can't afford to put Lukas into preschool or extra activities (soccer, swimming, etc.) I thought about how we have a baby girl on her way and how we'll have to pay at least $3000 out of pocket. I thought about how Lis wants to go to Brazil but realistically thinking that may not happen in the next couple of years. I thought about how I haven't gotten a pay raise for the last year and a half yet my workload has tripled. I can't even think about asking the boss for a pay increase because he's constantly yapping about how he's losing money (even though his wife just got a boob job...hmm).

Last night I thought about quitting. Just saying that Friday's my last day and moving on. I can't bring myself to do it, though I know I'd feel good - for a bit. I can't because work needs me (Argh! Always about them!) and I can't because my family needs me to work.

I've applied at 15-20 jobs - no joke - and have only heard back from one or two. Rejected! Nobody wants an insurance agent or it's because they somehow find their way to my blog and hear about how I gripe about work.

So today I'm in the office, not feeling good and someone mentions how unenergetic we are. Another asks who our greeter will be. Nobody volunteers so I'll do it. Nobody volunteered for tomorrow.

I'm lost now so I'll end this.